High On ‘Shrooms

Guys…white truffles cost, on average, two hundred bucks. These MUSHROOMS, on average, cost two hundred dollars. For one ounce. I mean…what?

I know this because I’ve been taking a cooking class, and one of the dishes I’ve been perfecting is scrambled eggs. I know, I know– “Scrambled eggs? How easy! You need a class for scrambled eggs?” Yes, jerks. Because lately I’ve been making the creamiest, fluffiest, most flavorful scrambled eggs you’ve ever had in your lives, and it’s all because of this class. And since you were rude about it, I’m not going to tell you my technique or recipes (except for you, Julie–chives and lobster!).

My teacher likes to give different ways to elevate scrambled eggs. One of his suggestions is to grate white truffles over the top of them before you serve, so off I went to locate some white truffles.

Two hundred dollars. Four hundred dollars. Eighty dollars. These were my options. And–no. This just ain’t gonna happen. Why don’t I just cut up some cash and sprinkle it atop the eggs? Or maybe my 401k? Two hundred dollars is an outrageous price! Outrageous!

But… Maybe for Christmas?

No. It’s ridiculous, right?!

But possibly for my birthday?

No! Why am I even considering this?!

Full disclosure–I’m pretty desperate for elevated scrambled eggs. Who else out here is making elevated scrambled eggs?! I could be the only one! That’s very seductive! Can you imagine people saying, “Kristin makes the BEST scrambled eggs in the world!”? That’d be great, right? Have I lost it?

Guys, I’m obviously not going to buy these white truffles. I’m a rational human being. And it would only be rational to buy such a thing on a birthday or, say, Christmas…

Buenos Días

 

Here’s a little-known fact about me: I make the best breakfast burrito in Georgia. I know that I don’t know everyone in Georgia, so I can’t really say with certainty, but—I MAKE THE BEST BREAKFAST BURRITO IN GEORGIA. Maybe even in the southeast. Also, Chicago.

Most people don’t know this about me because I only make breakfast burritos for certain people and at certain times. Like when I want to impress men’s family members with my cooking skills. Or when I want to spoil loved ones on their birthdays with unforgettable, perfectly seasoned deliciousness. Or on Sundays when I invite people over for brunch and want to appear to be a fully functioning adult.

As a teenager, I had a friend, Valerie, who was of Mexican ethnicity. When I would sleep over at her house, I always helped her make breakfast in the morning, and she taught me how to make what is the best breakfast burrito you’ve ever put in your mouth. Seriously, it’s the best. The only reason I don’t say that I make the best breakfast burrito in the United States is because Valerie makes the best ones. And her mom. And her sisters. Even her brother. But then me. They taught me everything I know. Aside from her family, I also make the best Mexican hot chocolate and huevos rancheros.

Guys… I hope all of this bragging didn’t mistakenly lead you to believe that I was going to share Valerie’s recipe with you. Because…no. It’s mine. I can’t give up the “best breakfast burrito in certain parts of the U.S.” throne. I can’t and I shan’t. If you did think that, though, thank you so much for believing that I’m capable of such selflessness. It’s been a while since someone has had that level of faith in me. Anyway, you guys have your fancy lasagnas and family mac and cheese recipes. LET ME HAVE THIS!

It ain’t Valerie’s, but this recipe from Chowhound will get you very close. Enjoy! And only make it for those who deserve it!