Toilets & Adulthood

Do you know how much a toilet costs? No–a good toilet. A lot more than you’d expect to pay for something you poop in, let me tell you. My feeling is that the only toilet worth five hundred dollars is a toilet that I don’t have to clean–a self-cleaning toilet, if you will. But according to the folks at Home Depot, “that kind of toilet doesn’t exist,” and according to Lowe’s, “You’re probably thinking of a housekeeper, girl.” But am I? I’ve had a lot of wine, but I think I still know the difference between a self-cleaning toilet and a housekeeper. One of those options a housekeeper doesn’t have to clean. Also–me. I don’t have to clean it either.

Anyway. There is such a thing as a self-cleaning toilet, but it costs more than $500, and I don’t really trust that it’s self-cleaning. Like…am I really not going to clean my toilet? Ever? That sounds like a set-up.


You know how you’re twelve and you’re lounging in the backyard daydreaming of all the ways being an adult would be amazing? Then twenty years later you actually become an adult, and you spend a good portion of your weekly paycheck on silk pillowcases to prevent crow’s feet AND come to the realization that the rest of your paycheck will have to eventually go a self-cleaning toilet that you will still have to clean?

No one prepped me for this part of adulthood.

Also, it’s been more than two years and I still don’t know all the French words. WTF.