Happy New Year! Hahahahaha… Ahem.

Let’s sidestep the awkwardness of how long I’ve neglected this blog, shall we?

What we can talk about is what (or who) caused me to write again. Don’t worry, don’t worry–despite the title of this post, I’m not here to give you my opinion on Beyoncé’s visual album, Lemonade (I think it was uh-may-zing and what are you doing reading this post when you can be watching it?!) because I’m sure the internet is sick of hearing about it.

I just wanted to check in to say that I’m starting a new workout regime spurred partially by the thirteen pounds I’ve gained (ok, eighteen! GET OFF MY BACK!), and partially motivated by Beyoncé’s new workout line, Ivy Park. I don’t normally like conspicuous logos on anything I wear, but there’s something about the ginormous, screaming logos on some of the Ivy Park stuff that make me reach for my debit card before even looking at the price.

This afternoon I went for a run, and the entire time I pretended that I was Beyoncé in that gray sports bra and leggings ensemble that she wore for “Don’t Hurt Yourself” (if you don’t know to what I’m referring, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE?! Go watch it!). It almost made the run enjoyable.

Thanks to Beyoncé and Ivy Park, I’m running again. I’ll keep you updated!

Originally Published 4/21/14

I took a Claritin today so my allergies are under control. I’m not sneezing like a fiend, my eyes aren’t watering or itching, and I’m not going through an entire box of tissue. Oh, except that none of that is true except the part about me taking the Claritin. I swear I think I’ve been sold placebos as part of some twisted experiment. I’m on to you, Big Pharma.

Last week I started prepping for my 10K. Sorta. The first day I went out intending to run four miles. It was a struggle, but I suited up, hydrated, charged my ipod, and went outside. I usually run down to a high school exactly one mile from my house (Google maps!). Then I jog around their track four times because I know that equals a mile.

Tangent: is using the school’s track trespassing? I really need to know. I know they take trespassing on school property a lot more seriously these days, and I don’t want anyone thinking I’m hunting seventeen year old boys, because–barf–and also, ya know, illegal. I don’t think I would flourish in prison. Just not my scene. Nor is the sex offender registry.

Anyway… I usually run (innocently!) around the track four times to make a mile and then run back home. Three miles. Well this time, I was going to run around the track eight times, but when I got there the students were using it for practice. What a bunch of selfish jerks. I adjusted my plan and decided to run around the neighborhood a few times. I was going along just fine–struggling a little, but no more than usual–when, on mile 2.5, I came upon a convenience store.

I will save you the internal dialogue that followed and just cut to the chase, because unless you’re new here, you already know what happened next. I stopped running and went inside. I do feel compelled to explain that I honestly was only after a bottle of water. I guess I hadn’t drank enough beforehand. But somehow by the time I left the store, I was munching salt-n-vinegar almonds and sucking on a diet Dr. Pepper. Run: officially over.

I am not proud of this. Sure, I was pleased for a short time while I skipped back home, happily, snack in hand. But my lackadaisical attitude was out of control. I gave myself a firm (but kind–we gotta be kind to ourselves–Kumbaya and stuff!) talking to, and the next day I went out for another four-mile run. Of course I happened across a couple of hills and my lungs almost shut down, and of course a knife was slicing through my side the entire time, and of-freaking-course my ipod battery died. But I kept going and completed the stupid four miles. Because God only knows what my next punishment would have been had I blown off this run.

New week, new goals! My long run this week is 4.5 miles. God help me.